Top 12 red flag adult Halloween costumes

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

I realize the proliferation of cosplaying has all but rendered dressing up for Halloween superfluous, but hey, you can apply this list to any time of the year. I’m leaving out the cultural appropriating inappropriate ones, cause they’re too obvious and just not funny. The costume one selects often represents something hidden deep inside them, so if you’re at a Halloween party looking for Mr. or Mrs. tonight, keep that in mind. To help you, here’s a list of costumes that if you see someone wearing at a party or at Party City, you might wanna avoid them like the Corona… I mean the plague.

Disclaimer: Obviously, this list is tongue and cheek, so if you find your costume below just know I don’t mean you silly. Also, this list may cause nausea, diarrhea (what doesn’t cause diarrhea), constipation, drowsiness, insomnia, ingrown toenails, and halitosis.

12. Cowboy – Now, I don’t mean an actual character, like say Woody, Doc Holliday, or Jack Twist. I’m speaking of the generic, silly vested, cheap hat, belt and holster of plastic guns wearing type. I mean, you might as well dress like Peter Pan dude.

What do you mean you like my costume? I just got off work and didn’t have time to change.

11. Sexy Nurse – Surgeon General’s warning: this person craves attention more than a social media influencer, so if you’re looking for romance, you better bring your long game. On top of that, they are more than likely a basic witch underneath, so unless you’re dressed like a cowboy, steer clear.

I say sexy, you say slutty… SEXY… SLUTTY.

10. Mr. Incredible – This is the costume equivalent of a wedding ring. So, if a faux foamed muscled dude comes up and hits on you, know that somewhere out there, maybe even passed out at the same party, is an Elastigirl.

That family outside dressed like this isn’t mine. No, I’m the single version of Mr. Incredible… at least for tonight.

9. Fembot – Color me surprised this wolf in sheep’s clothing is still an option. Let’s go behind the circuits, shall we? This seemingly attractive and docile potential inamorata is really a honeypot who secretly wants to murder you. Maybe not literally, but you better believe metaphorically.

Is that a gun in your bra or are you just happy to see me?

8. “This is my Halloween costume” t-shirt – Now, if we were back in the year when this first hit the market… you’d still want to avoid this painfully unfunny person. Listening to their humorless and witless anecdotes is akin to having a dentist sticking sharp metal objects in your mouth. But hey, I’m sure that’s a fetish somewhere.

I bet you have a tuxedo t-shirt too. You probably have a “clever” t-shirt for every occasion.

7. Clown – I know you’re thinking… #DUH. But it bears repeating; clowns are evil, soulless spawns of Satan that are here for only one purpose – to ruin everyone’s fun. I don’t care if they’re the Joker, Bozo, or Pennywise, they will cause nothing but endless nightmares. You know who loved to dress like a clown? No, not Crazy Joe Davola, John Wayne Gacy.

But I’m not a scary clown, I’m a ‘funny’ clown.” Like there’s really a difference.

6. Harley Quinn – I’m only referring to the 2016 movie version, the other Harley’s are all welcomed. This hyper-sexualized insane one… not so much. But whhhhyyyyy you might ask? One, it’s been done so much it’s now a joke(r). Two, there are much better versions of Harley to choose from. Three, picking the one with hot pants and a Daddy’s lil Monster shirt tells you all you need to know about the individual. They might look like a walking Carnival Cruise but inside, they wanna watch the world (and that includes you) burn.

I guess this is leaning into the crazy woman trope maybe.

5. All onesie pajamas – Don’t get me wrong, I’m as lazy as the next person, but come on, at least try. These are the very same people you see out at the mall or grocery store shopping in their loungewear. So, if you’re on the hunt for someone that always needs help moving or a ride to the airport, these are the folks you’ve been looking for.

“But not only is it comfortable, it’s warm too.” No, it’s the current version of a Snuggie.

4. Sheet ghost – To be blunt, this costume is sheet. It’s not so much the wholly unoriginality of the costume, it’s the fact that they feel comfortable walking around wearing an old bed sheet. Ask yourself, what events might’ve occurred on said sheet? Then you will understand why you need to stay the f’ away.

“I get that it’s DIY… just keep away from the blacklight.”

3. Cardboard box robot – This says one thing… I’m a nerd who never grew up. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a nerd at any age. Young nerds and older nerds are cool (thanks to Sheldon and Bill Gates). But a nerd with Peter Pan syndrome? Hell to the no. We’re talking someone with more issues than Popular Science.

There better be a child inside there, and I’m not speaking of the inner variety.

2. Any politician – Hey, if you wanna waste your evening listening to someone’s warped interpretation of current events, be my guest. All they’ll do is onerously regurgitate either Fox News or NPR. We get it, the world’s a huge shitstorm, but we’re all dressed up and here for the fun, not the fake news.

Who’s got an ocean of toxic masculinity and loves to gaslight a nation? This guy!
  1. Sexy Priest/Nun – Don’t get me wrong, I am all in favor of irony. But, c’mon man, this isn’t just banal, it’s boring and unorthodox (wink face). If you’re going for blasphemous, do it with some panache. Not with something you ordered from Amazon along with a loofah to score that free shipping.
Nun’s out, guns out. And there goes my internet search history.

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