Did you know there are more than four seasons? I mean, #duh, or how else is your boy going to come up with a top twelve around them. Only a patzer limits themselves to the four divisions of the year marked by particular weather patterns and daylight hours. We free thinkers break away from the tilt of this science constraint to realize a much richer and vibrant world.

Like that 60s song says, “To everything turn, turn, turn… there is a season.” Then it takes a weird-ass left turn and goes, “What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich like me?” but we should probably ignore that part. Or maybe I’m conflating two old songs, I guess we’ll never know. Anyway, on to the list— tis my favorite damn seasons (write this down).

12. Award season – When your favorite movie, song, artist, or play wins a prestigious award it’s almost as if you’ve won an award for having supreme taste. This validates your love and devotion and says to the world that you are a refined person and your judgement matters. It also makes up for all that time spent listening to Insane Clown Posse while marathoning Transformers.

Well, my favorite movie won the Academy Award for Best Sound so up yours, Trevor!

11. Girl Scout cookie season – I eagerly await that period when those shortbread maidens stand outside Home Depot hawking their delicious, sugary biscuits. I realize that sounds shady at best, but hey, it’s the diabetic truth. I’m a simp for a Thin Mint, a lacky for a Lemonade, and a kowtower to a Tag-Along.

What do the Boy Scouts sell? I’m mean other than exclusion, humiliation, and rejection.

10. Blockbuster movie season – This used to start around Memorial Day, but thanks to global warming, it now begins sometime in February. Sure, I like small budgeted, thought provoking “films” like 50 Shades of Grey as much as the next cinephile, but what really revs the engine of my base desires is titanic explosions, fantastical CGI, and an endless cycle of sequels/reboots/remakes. At least, that’s what Hollywood tells me.

Remember when Hollywood was all about new ideas and original story telling? Cause I don’t.

9. (Insert your favorite show here)’s upcoming season – Whether we’re talking Star Trek: Infinite Series, Ghosts, The Masked Singer, or NCSI: Wherever, your fave show’s new season is a reason to celebrate. Revisiting characters we love along with formulaic plots help us deal with the monotony of our own dreary lives. Okay, maybe I’m projectile word vomiting my own despondency a bit there.

A new season of your favorite TV show is like going to summer camp with your best friends. Or at least spying on them from the woods.

8. Baseball season – Baseball season is forever intertwined with spring and its promise of a fresh start. Unless you are a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, then you pretty much can expect an endless winter cycle of misery and pain. But for everyone else, hope springs eternal… or at least until the All-Star break.

And now with the new pitch clock, you can stay awake until the 8th inning.

7. Tax season – Wait, where are you going? Listen, this season has gotten a bad rap, kinda like socialism, feminism, and ventriloquism. But if you really think about it… wait, where are you going? Thinking isn’t all bad. Paying your fair share of taxes is how you can demonstrate your patriotism (now there’s an ism you can rally behind) by generously thanking our soldiers and first responders for their services.

Schools, roads, libraries, and freedom ain’t free you know.

6. Publishing season – Ah, books, those antiquated gateways into other’s imaginations. Did you know that most of them get published in the spring or fall? Or maybe I should say that’s when the seeds to many of our movies and shows get planted. This is when you can find the majority of those spicy romance novels, spicy historical fictions, spicy autobiographies, and spicy cookbooks.

I love reading original and thought-provoking ideas almost as much as white supremacists’ love burning them.

5. Festival season – Ain’t no season like a festival season because a festival season don’t stop! It doesn’t matter if you’re there to bask in the art, tunes, pageantry, or jousting, just remember to slather on the sunscreen and make good decisions. So, grab a turkey leg and don those breeches, Mumford and Sons shirts, and psychedelic bucket hats and have a crackin’ good time.

Festivals—they make you feel both young and ancient at the same time.

4. Peach season – Or you can say apple, strawberry, pumpkin—substitute whatever fruits your loom. I think taste is one of the most underrated nostalgia catalysts and every time I bite into a peach I’m transported back to my wee days with my Darth MeMaw. Back when she’d promise me a dollar if I ate the pit, then say she was broke until her Social Security came. She’d give me a promissory note written on flash paper with a warning that a peach tree would probably grow out of my stomach before I could cash it in, inspiring countless David Cronenbergesque nightmares. Oh, to be young again.

“Movin’ to the country. I’m gonna eat me a lot of peaches.”

3. Football season – This season starts at summer’s end, then goes through mid-winter. And damn it, it’s still not enough. It’s a special time when temps start dropping faster than Taylor Swift drops an exclusive new song. You might be thinking football is just gigantic, sweaty men slamming into one another at high rates of speed. But really, it’s art. My favorite artist used to be Barry Sanders, but now I’d say it’s Patrick Mahomes. What he can do with the pigskin on a grass field is no less than poetry in motion.

Kicking the ball is only like 2% of the game, so maybe handball makes more sense.

2. The holiday season – Feel free to mentally insert whatever holiday you observe here, I’m going with Xmas. To me, the reason for the season is holiday movies/specials, food/drink, family, and of course, presents. Lots of presents. The weather outside might be weather, but the sentimental recollection and wistful affection is so delightful.

So hoop-de-do and dickory dock. And don’t forget to just be a decent human being.

1. The spooky season – Welcome to October, or in my house, early to mid-September. It’s really up to you when to begin your Halloween season, some stores even put décor out towards the end of summer. There is no right or wrong answer, unless you’re trying to tell another adult when and how to enjoy this ghostly haunting jamboree. That is unequivocally wrong and should be punished with candy corn under the fingernails.

Just let us enjoy our favorite time of the year in peace. The real offenders are those weirdos who love Arbor Day. Just kidding, tree huggers.