Before you come at me, I’m here to praise T-Swizzle, not to troll her. I honestly believe she’s a generational talent that is the closest thing we’ve gotten to the Beatles. To wit, she’s insanely popular, critically acclaimed, and has experienced phenomenal growth as an artist. And she’ll never break up with herself… but still, stay the F away from her Yoko.

Hell, John Lennon only had these four song themes: It’s all about love and/or peace, they don’t understand me, don’t drink the Kool-Aid, and Paul McCartney is a no talent twat. So, having twelve is quite impressive. Now, let’s have a little fun with the twelve Swifty song motifs.

12. Bad daddy/good father – I’m not saying Taylor hates her dad, but that the bad dad idea keeps popping up like Tywin Lannister at a father-son picnic. Then, in the next track, Pops is suddenly the hero of the story. Make up your mind, either daddio’s Jack Pearson or he’s Jack Torrance. Or maybe he’s really Jack Bauer—shitty dad but hero for the rest of the world.

I’ll admit, Bad Daddy’s does make a mean burger.

11. I love cursing – Not so much a theme per se, but a more recent penchant. Taylor swears almost like a thirteen-year-old who’s just discovered the unbridled joy of profanity. Sometimes it’s apropos and sometimes it’s like she’s auditioning for a Quentin Tarantino film. I dunno, maybe someone removed the NSFW filter from her recording studio or something.

There is an “I” in expletive.

10. They’re out to get me – This one isn’t just the paranoia singing. Check Twitter, Instagram, or any music message board, and you’ll see the Taylor Trolls are out in full force. Popularity is a fickle bastard. Reminds me of that quote, “You either die a one hit wonder or your career’s long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

“Look at what you made me… wear.”

9. My bad – We’re all human, regardless of how many fans believe you to be a modern-day goddess. And with that, we make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes make someone more relatable and endearing, i.e., I dumped a good man because I was young, naïve, and selfish. Of course, sometimes those mistakes make someone R. Kelly.

I think the most important thing you can do is to admit them. Then, sing about them in a song. Unless you’re Harvey Weinstein, then there’s really nothing you can do except burn in hell forever.

8. I was betrayed – Whether we’re talking about former friends, lovers, business associates, or resident nutjobs; Taylor’s list of transgressors is long, distinguished, and infamous. And it’s not just a fever dream, these folks have wronged Tay-Tay. But to paraphrase Omar, “You come at the queen, you best not miss.” And so far, everyone’s missed by a country mile.

Pretty sure he’d be Team Taylor… if she toned down the obscenities, of course.

7. I’m just a country girl at heart – Speaking of country, she does love her cowboy culture, doesn’t she? I guess you can take the country outta the music, but you can’t take the country outta the girl. There’s always been crossovers, but has an artist dominated as many genres as Taylor? I’mma go with no.

How has no one done a “Thank God I’m a Country Girl” version? Or maybe they have, hell I wouldn’t know.

6. Girl power – “It’s been over 20 years since the Spice Girls, do we still need songs about women’s struggles?” asks every misogynistic incel. If they’d ask me, I’d say, “Do women enjoy all the same benefits, privileges, and opportunities as men? Go look up the pay gap between women and men, and how many women hold political office or high-ranking corporate positions compared to the unfairer sex. Yes, I know, it’s work to uncover the truth, but it will set your chauvinism free.”

Things ain’t been the same since the Spice Girls broke up. Or maybe they’re back together, hell I wouldn’t know.

5. I love Xmas, how bout you? – I think Taylor’s done enough Christmas tunes to qualify as a holiday caroler. This is where the money’s at—that’s just music industry 101. And Miss Americana has a doctorate in music industry. You do a popular Xmas song and you’re basically set for life. Or if you’re Mariah Carey, you’re set for infinite lives.

“I don’t care if it’s May, play Christmas Tree Farm.”

4. Stop the hate – Thanks mostly to social media and FOX News, hate is now a commercial industry with no sign of a downturn. I think there is something we can all agree on—hate and rage are even higher today than in the 60s, or when the Patriots were winning Super Bowls, or when Gerber decided to release baby-food style versions for adults. If only melodious songs could vaccinate us against hostility like an adrenaline shot of compassion directly to the heart.

She was almost prophetic. Guess she’s not just gifted musically.

3. Damn the man – And I’m not talking about Becky Lynch. Taylor hates the patriarchy almost as much as it hates a talented, smart, and fearless female vocalist. I’d wager the majority of online vitriol posted @ her is simply due to being a woman who speaks her mind. They know she’s not wrong, so they attack her personally with the same mindless voracity as that bear attacked Leo.

Use the force and fight the power!

2. You broke my heart – Sure, every artist has a broken-hearted, cathartic ballad or two in their oeuvre. But this is one of her hallmarks—turning the pain of a break-up into the reprisal of a hit record. If Taylor has taught us anything, it’s that success is the best revenge. And there’s nothing she does better. Except maybe reinvent herself.

You need to calm down and serve your revenge dish cold.

1. I finally found love – Love is the number one theme of all musicians not named Amy Winehouse, Metallica, or The Police. For Taylor, love almost always comes as a shock. Like, just when she gave up, suddenly some quasi-Noah Calhoun is there to show her that true love does exist. It’s almost as if that apocryphal saying, “the best way to find love is to stop looking for it” is actually true.

Better not tell all those dating apps.