It’s vacation season (how did I miss that one) which brings immense joy in the planning and execution of, but also incredible sorrow and ennui from the ensuing after-trip doldrums. As I look back on my admittedly uneventful and meaningless life, some of my worst moments were those first days back at work or school after a joyous sabbatical. Nothing makes you despise your current status quo more than a brief escape into that relaxing and recreational lifestyle. So, I’ve concocted for you 12 remedies to those post-vacation blues.

12. Buy something nice for yourself – No, I’m not talking about those holiday souvenir trinkets, I mean that big purchase you’ve been putting off for whatever reason (usually to be fiscally responsible). Well, it’s time to try a little retail therapy (shouldn’t cashiers start referring to themselves as retail therapist?). That new fridge, smoker, 75-inch TV, or military grade sewing machine will change your current environment to something akin to new. This way, you’re not coming back to the exact same situation or the same you. You’re coming back to a you with a swanky golf cart.

Truer words have never been memed.

11. Start a new hobby – What’s a better way to distract yourself from sorrow than by challenging your brain to acquire a new skill. You’ve always wanted to learn how to play guitar, bridge, paint, swing dance, or golf… okay, maybe not golf, and there’s no better time than NOW. Just make sure your hobby doesn’t lobby for the discrimination and disenfranchisement of marginalized groups.

What’s the difference between a hobby and a side hustle? Profit.

10. Throw a party – You shouldn’t have to suffer alone. You have all these friends, so why not use them to get you over that depression hump (I just assume that unlike me, everyone has hundreds of friends at the ready). Hell, make it a theme party (a la beach blanket togas) and just go nuts. Darth MeMaw always said bad decisions lead to good sleep (i.e., blackouts).

Like Thomas Jefferson said, “You gotta fight… for your right… to partay!”

9. Escape into the pages of a book – Face facts, your true life is miserable, or at least mine is, so, what can ya do? Go straight to the library and lose yourself in the circumstance and plot of someone else’s more exciting faux existence. I mean, that’s pretty much why Charles Dickens invented books. You may not be able to afford to go back to Disney World (like ever), but you can read about someone fictional character traversing those legendary secret tunnels.

“Isn’t everyone else just a fictional character?” says every narcissist.

8. Get out – Instead of being one with the couch while reading about someone’s fantasy world, maybe you’re the more hands and boots-on the ground type. I’m willing to bet there are places to go within driving, hiking, or riding on the back of a mate like you’re Yoda that can provide at least a whiff of that vacay feeling. Call it a minication (patent pending) where you can be one with nature, art, or a throng of Morgan Wallen fans. Sorry, but whenever that many country music fans get together, I immediately run the other direction thinking “mob”.

“No, we’re going to see The Weeknd, thank you very much.”

7. Time for rehab – When they try to make you go rehab (your home), say yes, yes, yes. Nothing makes an old house (and life) feel fresh and vibrant more than gutting and reconstructing. Face it, we all crave that new-new and this is a way to achieve it with a side benefit of increasing the value of our domicile. You don’t even have to go all Fixer Upper, you can simply throw on a new coat of beach friendly paint to give that gloomy roomy a more welcoming vibe.

Shouldn’t plastic surgery be called remodeling?

6. Visit a theater – Movies and plays are like books brought to life by adults that like to play pretend. Take advantage of this odd behavior by getting out of your reconstruction zone and going to a giant living room with a buncha strangers to observe these weirdos live their dream. It’s the ultimate in community building and people watching.

“I was just people watching,” said my father after being caught at a strip club.

5. Create a vacation worthy meal plan – Food is one of the staples of travel nostalgia. But you don’t have to go to Chicago or Copenhagen to experience some mind (and colon) blowing meals. Just peek up some recipes from those ubiquitous Pinterest sites, hop to the local grocer, and prepare a feast of burden that will have your family saying, “Yes, chef!”

There’s no logical reason to eat crab legs and key lime pie only once a year.

4. Use that space – Imma go out on a limb and say most of us have areas in our residences that we hardly ever use. Maybe it’s that pointless dining room, attic, closet, backyard, guest bedroom, or wardrobe that leads to a magical dimension, but there’s usually some place that we never go. Why not make it something alluring for a couple of days? Put up a tent in the backyard (when you’re inside a tent, does it really matter where it is?) or decorate the unused room with a neat mountain, beach, jungle, or Mars motif and voila—you have your very own home sweet getaway.

I mean, you don’t need this room until November anyway.

3. Play that funky vacation music white boy – Am I the only one that creates and curates a vacation playlist? Don’t Worry, Be Happy isn’t just a song, it’s a way of life… that neither realistic nor healthy. But the tune is more infectious than Covid (too soon?). Road trip songs are usually relaxing and rejuvenating and like Christmas carols, shouldn’t be relegated to a single period of time.

“Is that Morgan Wallen? Well turn it up!”

2. Side hustle up – Take all that melancholy fuel and pour it into a side hustle. You’re never going to retire early working as an assistant manager at the local flea market. But your brilliant idea to make and sell flavored pickles (I’ll take 3 mint chocolate pickles) is a goldmine waiting to be discovered. You could sit around watching a slideshow of your vacay or you could make your dream the new normal.

You must choose a side hustle but choose wisely.

1. Take another trip– Also known as an Irish vacation. A little hair of the dog that bit ya here, but there’s no laws that says you can’t do back-to-back vacations (yet—looking at you Florida). This is the very definition of YOLO. My Darth MeMaw always said she never regretted the vacations she took, only the ones she didn’t. She also thought anyone whose opinion differed from hers was either a lizard person, a NPC, or a demon incarnate, but we’ll just ignore that.

Smurf that, go Back to Vacation!