Top 12 fictional captains

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

Who are the best captains in pop culture? I’m glad you asked.

12. Cap’n Crunch – The man, the myth, the lactose. Has the biggest set of crunch berries of anyone on the list.

Guilty… of being delicious.

11. Captain Caveman – Okay, this one’s more out of nostalgia, but he is first-gen, the primordial captain. How’s that for a BC OG? I mean seriously, who came up with a prehistorical mini-bigfoot that can fly?

Now that you mention it, a “man” of his age hanging out with teenage girls is problematic at best.

10. Captain Marko Ramius – He was kind of confusing, a Russian submarine captain with a Scottish accent and a military grade hairpiece. But then again, Sean Connery could play E.T. and we’d accept it. I can hear his E.T. now, “Penis breath? Losers always whine about their penis breath…”

Just like an American, bringing a submachine gun to a submarine fight.

9. Captain Quint – As a kid, this unhinged cap frightened me more than the shark. As an adult, he terrifies the living cuss outta me. But, credit where it’s due, he’s the most compelling character in the movie.

Looking back, crushing an aluminum can isn’t so badass.

8. Captain Philippa Georgiou – You take the good (version), you take the bad (version), you take either one and there you have a truly illustrious captain. I favor the “evil” variant myself, just cause she’s more realistic in today’s world.

So, I’m #8 on your little list? Your death will be long and painful.

7. Captain Jack Sparrow – Sounds like most people (and by people, I mean Ren faire cosplayers) are gearing up for a Johnny Deppaissance. This is his signature role and boy does he knock it outta the park.

This is the day the legal system will always remember as the day it almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

6. Captain Carter – What started out as an interesting What If story quickly turned into a compelling character that I want to see more of. I dunno how, and I dunno when, but we need a Captain Carter solo movie.

Why not Captain Britain? I mean, I kinda know why (Brian Braddock), but I guess it’s better than Sergeant Carter.

5. Captain America – I will admit, I never liked Steve until Chris Evans. Before that, he was always Marvel’s answer to Superman, a moral compass character whose holier than thou attitude was annoying. To paraphrase, he was America’s ass. Then, the MCU came along and erased all that.

Wait till they get a load of Sam.

4. Captain Marvel – The MCU took a byzantine and marginalized character and effortlessly made her into a pillar of their pantheon of heroes. That, my friends, ain’t no easy task. And unlike the white superroid raged man at #5, she also had to overcome the straight-up misogyny of the internet.

It’s not easy being a female hero. Especially in green.

3. Captain Kirk – Whether it’s Shatner or Pine, this captain is the original space cowboy. He was blazing a trail through the cosmos before most of the other characters were a spark in someone’s brain.

‘Cause I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I’m a sinner.

2. Captain Raymond Holt – How is the funniest character in Brooklyn Nine-Nine amongst all those talented comedians the straight man? Most of the credit must go to Andre Braugher’s brilliant, deadpan delivery. The only captain on this list most of us want to call dad.

#2 you say? That is a preposterous ranking on a nonsensically arbitrary list.
  1. Captain Han Solo – The ‘Cool Han Luke’ of a galaxy far, far away. He’s got it all; the fastest ship, the best co-pilot, and the ultimate girlfriend.
Han, you’re the #1 captain on the list.

1 Comment

Jeannette · July 16, 2022 at 9:07 pm

Capt. Mal from Firefly, and Serenity. I dunno who #8 was but Nathan Fillion always for the win

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