Top 12 worthless criticisms

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

When speaking about entertainment, criticism can be a wonderful thing. It helps us grow, recognize our blind spots, and do better. But sometimes criticism is less about the story and more about what’s going on in the warped or myopic mind of the critic. So, here’s a list of infantile criticisms we can all throw out with the bathwater.

Bonus: It ruined my childhood – If a new sequel, prequel, reboot, remake, or reimagining of a beloved franchise is so bad it damages the prior story, that’s more on you. You have complete control over your head cannon, so if you don’t like The Phantom Menace, Halloween 6, Die Another Day, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, or X-Files season 9, just ignore it. Creators do it all the time.

If a new chapter of a story can negatively impact your childhood, there’s always therapy, I guess.

12. It’s too funny – If there’s one thing that this world is short on, other than critical thinking and selflessness, it’s laughter. So, when someone comes at a story saying it should dial back on the jokes, I say, “Who are you, the Burgermeister Meisterburger?” To paraphrase George Carlin, “Anything can be funny.”

Laughter is the best medicine. What are you, homeopathic?

11. It’s unrealistic – This is mostly lobbed at action, adventure, comedy, sci-fi, and fantasy movies, so we’re talking about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter NOT Spielberg’s Lincoln. First, these are fictional films, so there’s always going to be some degree of unreal or impossible in reality aspects to the story. So, when you harp on how crazy it is that no one puts together that Clark Kent is Superman but ignore how he regularly defies the laws of physics, you really need a THC gummy.

Four pours and seven beers ago, I went medieval on Dracula’s ass.

10. It’s not historically accurate – If you say this while watching a documentary on the History Channel, then maybe it’s okay. Of course, they have a show called Ancient Aliens, so there goes their credibility. But considering entertainment (or you know, our own history textbooks), historically accurate is a sliding scale at best. Might is well just mute your internal history professor, sit back, and be entertained.

Then, Daenerys Targaryen did not go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and was a just and fair queen for the next 40 years.

9. Doesn’t meet someone’s personal values – Criticizing someone’s work because it doesn’t match your value system says more about you than the work. It shows how fragile your own beliefs are if you can’t accept that others may think and believe differently. Art is there to challenge, not reinforce.

Please keep your values to yourself and your word cloud chart.

8. There’s too much sex and/or violence – Sure, if this is leveled at a G rated Disney cartoon, it might be valid. But, when talking about anything aimed at adults, don’t be a moral gatekeeper. Let everyone be their own judge, jury, and proselytizer. If it’s too much for you, there’s more Christian television networks and evangelical channels than you can shake a dildo at.

Mom, I was just watching Game of Thrones for history class!

7. It’s too political – Something becomes political when enough people suddenly disagree with it. Eventually, everything will be political. Hell, sticking innocent children in cages used to be unequivocally verboten, so don’t be shocked when some cretinous group come after cat videos. When you get all whiny-hiney over an episode of a satirical show like The Boys being too political, maybe you should stick to Hee Haw reruns.

How can you be against fresh outta the dryer socks on a long winter’s day simply because Biden likes them?

6. There’s unnecessary gender/race substituting – This comes whenever a fictional character, typically white male, gets replaced by another who’s not so white or male. Think Sam Wilson’s Captain America or Jodie Whittaker’s Doctor Who. This causes some to pee their big boy pants while crying, “Get your own new character instead of stealing ours.” Listen, snowflake, entertainment is a business and businesses want to make money. And established characters are much, MUCH easier to sell than new ones. But don’t worry, the vast majority of characters are still Mr. Whitey Ass Wheyface.

Do your homework simpletons, I’ve been around since 1980.

5. The book is better – God, let’s hope so. Books are unbound by budgets, scope, length, inner monologues, and technology. I guess they are bound by our own imagination, but that’s a whole nother dealio. Books are usually one person’s singular vision, not a gaggle of producers/studio heads aiming for the lowest common denominator.

What we have here is failure of imagination!

4. It’s derivative – What isn’t? Seriously, after The Epic of Gilgamesh, everything is derivative. And even that was probably based on some prehistoric episode of the Simpsons. There isn’t a story out there whose seeds didn’t fall from someone else’s idea tree.

I just wanted to take a moment to say, “Math is hard!”

3. The male characters are not dominant – This one is so laughable, it must be a misogynistic joke, right? Just because there are finally strong female characters, that doesn’t automatically emasculate the hombres. If several centuries of male dominated tales aren’t enough for your chauvinistic ass, get in your Tesla and go 88 miles an hour until you’re back in the 50s.

“Where are all the heroic men?” “I could ask you the same question.”

2. It contains LGBTQ physical intimacy – These ‘hypo-critics’ usually take zero issue with watching Fifty Shades of Hetero, but if a same-sex couple should hold hands, kiss, or OMG, have a racy scene, they flip the intolerance switch faster than Mel Gibson on a bender. Look, if you can’t take the heat, go see a physician. Cause you, my friend, are the sick one.

No, you are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. Go to hell!
  1. It has forced diversity – With this lil nugget of absurdity, you are showing your true whitewashed colors. You must really hate the real world cause outside of some tiny hamlets, the world is full of people different from straight, white, Christian males. If you get butthurt over historically marginalized groups finally getting accurate representation in current entertainment, here’s the pot of gold at the end of your achromatic rainbow; you still have hundreds of years of plays, books, and movies available to drool over.
Even Merry, Frodo of the nine fingers, Pippin, and Samwise (not pictured) think you’re a troll.

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