Since it’s the middle of October, I figured it’s a good time to talk horror icons. I know this is a delicate subject, kinda like a favorite Bible verse or Busta Rhymes song. Most people have their preferred choice, but the problem is most people are morons. So again, it falls on me to save the day and list the definitive horror icons of all time. (Just kidding most people, I love ya!)

12. Jigsaw – Stereotypical old white man who always knows what’s best and refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions. His ideology is what makes him truly terrifying and probably a perfect future Republican candidate for President.

11. Freddy Krueger – I know many of you have him higher, but the Schwarzeneggeresque dad jokes cost him too many cool points. I mean, have you ever seen a serial killer try so hard to be punny? Listen Fred, you wanna move up the list? Get off of the beach and back into the shadows.

10. Dracula – For better or worse, Bela Lugosi is still the model for this OG vampire. Now a days, more of a tortured soul, but I like the Drac that embraces his malediction and sees it more of a cursed blessing. You know, turns those lemons into bloody Mary’s.

9. Chucky – Child’s Play shouldn’t work. How can anyone older than 10 be frightened by an unholy My Buddy doll? Then, Brad Dourif said hold my Zima. Even with a silly premise, the first movie works so bloody well because of a) the aforementioned Brad, and b) the puppet masters behind Chucky.

8. Frankenstein’s monster – I get it, the true “monster” is Dr. Frankenstein who toils in God’s domain and is the template for the mad scientist. So, shouldn’t we rename him Frankenstein’s adopted zombie son? Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue? Or do we want to stick with the more ironic moniker?

7. Leatherface – This cat needs to be handled with care because he clearly has an intellectual disability. At least in most movies. A hulking behemoth, LF is a product of domestic violence who takes out his pain and suffering on innocent sightseers. He’s also a cannibal, so there’s that aspect.

6. Annabelle – This demonic Raggedy Ann goes the opposite way of Chucky and is a silent, unanimated terror toy. And it’s scarier because we don’t get to witness the nefarious shit she’s capable of. But, we can just imagine… imagine all the people, losing limbs in pieces.

5. Jason Voorhees – Jason has the greatest character arc of all the monsters. He goes from waterlogged boy, to inbred mountain man, to Martin Brodeur, to undead Martin Brodeur, all while discovering that the real treasure was the teenagers he hacked to pieces along the way.

4. Pinhead – Doug Bradley brought an air of aloof pretension to Pinhead. Sure, he was gonna kill you, but after he finished watching the Wimbledon finals. In other words, Pinhead was the kind of monster that if you followed him on Instagram, there’s no way in hell he’d ever follow you back.

3. Candyman – The most tragic icon on the list and probably the most poetic. He was just an African American artist living in the wrong time and place. Then, a buncha white people ruin it for him, as white people often do. Whitey gonna white. Give it up to Candyman though, he’s indiscriminate in his murderous rampage.

2. Pennywise – I don’t care what King says, Pennywise is his what if John Wayne Gacy was an omnipresent alien shapeshifter. Whether you’re Team Curry, a more traditional circus clown gone nutty, or Team Skarsgard, the unhinged dirty carnival clown, PW is the Joker on Compound V who loves sewers and hates kids.

1. Michael Myers – For some reason, writers and directors have such trouble understanding who Michael is and how to use him. He’s basically an intelligent shark who likes to play with his food. There’s no rhyme or reason to his killing spree, and they always go wrong trying to explain why he feeds. Just treat him like Bruce in Jaws; some unfortunate soul swims across him and he stalks them for a bit then sends them to Davy Jones’s Locker.