Top 12 reasons to love Thanksgiving

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

In mid-November an old man’s fancy heavily turns to thoughts of FOOD. Luckily, the holiday that celebrates stuffing (be it Stove Top, turkeys, or one’s face) is right around the corner. To honor this admittedly problematic festival of comestibles, I’m giving you something to be thankful for: a list chock-full of the best things about Thanksgiving.

12. Having to say what you’re thankful for – No, listen, this doesn’t have to be a trite and painful exercise. After Aunt Beru drones on about having the family together and Uncle Owen wisecracks about the Jets finally have a decent team, you have the opportunity to be the wildcard of the bunch. Let your imagination run free and say something that’s actually thought provoking like how you’re thankful for black holes, supernovas, and dark matter, for without them, we wouldn’t be here. Or existential like how everyone eventually dies. Give their brains something to chew on before their jaws go a chomping.

I’m just thankful that my racist grandmother got hit by lightning and is no longer with us.

11. Shopping – Now that ‘Black Friday’ is pretty much all of November, the bargain buying is spread out wider than my house pants after a robust Thanksgiving meal. So, instead of one day of rabid consumerism, we get eighteen crazy nights.

White people be shopping… am I right?

10. The parade – What is it about the combination of giant balloons, lip syncing, and Al Roker that makes the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade so gosh darned special? Science is still trying to unravel that mystery. While they’re hard at work, we’ll simply plop down in front of the TV and be magically transfixed to garish floats with B-list celebrities.

My dream used to be seeing this in person. Now, that’s my nightmare.

9. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving – This has been called the Stephen Baldwin of the Charlie Brown specials, but really, it is so much more than that. It lacks the preachiness of the Christmas special and the grossly neglectful parenting of the Halloween one, so it’s safe to enjoy with your kids. Up until Woodstock eagerly plates a slice of turkey. Good grief.

The original Friendsgiving.

8. A day off – And I am only speaking to the men out there. For the women, this is a day of labor akin to giving birth. But, instead of a pudgy, helpless babe, you are reproducing a delectable meal, just like Mom. So, thank you for your tireless efforts on crafting a myriad of dishes, because we all know how ornery cousin Margaret gets when there’s no ambrosia salad.

I spend my Thanksgiving slaving over a full plate of edibles. Not those kind of edibles, Cheech.

7. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles – Forget the ‘holiday movie’ tag, this is one of the greatest comedies of all time. John Hughes, John Candy, and Steve Martin go together like turkey, stuffing, and gravy in this T-day classic that is as funny today as it was in the 80s. Hell, maybe even funnier. This is a comedy dream team who are all at the peak of their powers.

Hey, look – isn’t that John Candy?” Why yes Joe Montana, it is.

6. Side dishes – We’re talking the full monty of mashed potatoes, classic stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potato casserole, gravy, mac & cheese, and roasted brussels sprouts. And that’s just round one. Who needs turkey with all this appetizing goodness? Does anyone eat cranberry sauce on any other day besides T-Day?

The best side dish is all side dishes.

5. Family and friends – Sure, we come for the moveable feast, but we stay (and then abruptly leave) for the family. This is, or at least until social media, the one chance to see most of our relatives squeezed into one tiny place. Or, for those much luckier than I, an opportunity for a preferred guest list that only includes those folks who are actually interesting.

Is Friendsgiving still a thing?

4. Turkey – This turkey needs no rebranding. Braised, roasted, grilled, or fried, everybody’s favorite hand bird is the centerpiece of the meal. Unless you’re a vegetarian, then it’s probably tofu. But get that turkey faux off my lawn… I mean, table and save the neck for me.

This is what sadness tastes like.

3. Football – Outside of the Lions, who haven’t been good since… well, ever, this T-day tradition is a welcome distraction from Grandpa’s Stu’s diatribe about how being woke is ruining the country. Honestly, we should be impressed he knows the term (thanks FOX News), even if he doesn’t understand it’s meaning (thanks FOX News).

Gave us the opposite of tofurky… the glorious turducken.

2. The weather outside is delightful – This may, no, WILL change soon (thanks FOX News). But for now, the weather in November epitomizes autumnal. Not too hot, not to cold, we have officially entered the goldilocks climate zone. I realize I can only speak for myself and being a global community, your mileage may vary. One thing that won’t vary; corduroy is the devil’s fabric.

I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be pleasant. It’s gonna be colorful. And it’s gonna last all month!
  1. Pumpkin pie – Going for the low hanging fruit here… so low it touches the ground. After the recent pumpkin explosion, there comes the backlash. Which is common when anything becomes popular, whether talking about Marvel movies or batshit crazy conspiracy theories. Eventually, the trolls come along smashing our joy. But pumpkin pie is the unassailable progenitor of the pumpkin craze, kinda like the first Iron Man movie or the idea that the government killed JFK.
This is the one pie to rule them all!

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