Thanksgiving is right around the corner, so close you can almost smell the systematic destruction of the Native American population. Turkey Day feels like it took forever to get here… said no one ever. I figured I’d take a popular corporate/family gathering ice breaker and spin it into this week’s top 12. So, sit back, relax, unbutton your pants, and enjoy a few of my favorite things because I’m that important.

12. Heated car seats – Like my Nana always said a cold butt means a shrunken colon. I don’t know if that’s actually true, nor do I ever want to find out. What I do know is nothing makes the winter morning drive go by faster than a hot ass. Wait, I think that came out wrong.

11. Coffee – It might be the nectar of the basic bitches, but there’s a damn good reason for that. Coffee not only wakes you the F-up, it tastes even more delicious than that first sip of barley pop on a hot, stressful day. Look, I get it, caffeine is a drug that stains your teeth. But then again, so is love.

10. The F word – Is there another word in the English language that can oscillate from highest of highs in one sentence to the lowest of lows in another? Shout the F word in front of ‘yeah’ and it means you probably just won the Super Bowl. Scream it before ‘you’ and you probably just got cut off in traffic or caught your spouse in bed with a Republican.

9. Cell phone – Or mobiles to you Anglo-Saxons. My kids always ask me two questions: when are you going to die and what was life like before cell phones. I honestly can’t answer either. I remember there was a time before these dandy lil pocket computers, but have blocked out the details, kinda like blocking a robo-spam call. I bet all those Math teachers feel stupid AF for blabbing about how we aren’t going to be walking around with calculators in our pockets. Take that Ms. Dinklethorpe.

8. Taylor Swift – What if the Beatles were around today? And were one person? And non-patriarchal? The answer to all those questions and many more is, of course, Taylor Swift. Whether you know her as T-Swizzle, Swifty, or that artist who keeps reinventing herself so that she’s never passé, she is an icon who’s a musical force of nature.

7. Free delivery – I admit it, I will spend an extra $20 on something completely frivolous just to reach that illustrious and arbitrary figure which means I saved five bucks. Take that Ms. Dinklethorpe. The feeling that comes with meeting the free shipping benchmark is akin to scoring that fabled twentieth, aka free, frozen yogurt on your punch card. To put it simply, it means you are someone… that got hornswoggled.

6. Big-ass flat screen TVs – Who needs theaters or a Sports bar anymore? We now can have that experience minus the idle chatter, texting, flying beer bottles, and overpriced popcorn and wings right in our own home. No longer do we have to get stuck behind that seven-foot-tall man wearing a novelty sized cowboy hat or miss out on the pivotal play or scene because we drank an entire gallon of diet Coke. Just gimme a remote, recliner, refrigerator, and realpolitik and I’m in reverie.

5. The Marvel Cinematic Universe – Call me a nerd, geek, or philistine, but I unabashedly love the hell outta the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). Sure, it’s attractive people doing magical wish fulfillment type things, but hey, that’s way more entertaining than watching ignominious people doing deplorable type things (here’s looking at you, Marty). If I wanna see that, I can turn on the news. And after phase four, it’s not just an overwhelming majority of attractive white men, which means it’s getting more interesting. Which also means it’s getting more hate… but if the internet trolls aren’t review bombing you, you’re doing something wrong.

4. Comedians – These folks are modern day saints trying to bring the miracle of laughter to an otherwise weary and malevolent world. Where all I see is avarice, animosity, inequality, and vacuity, they see… well, the same things, only they can at least make it funny. And a change in mood is the first step towards a change in behavior.

3. The internet – I mean, you three people wouldn’t be reading this without the ole WWW. Since Al Gore developed it in his garage back in the 70s, the internet has grown rapidly to the point where I think it’s no longer just a fad. Let’s pause for a moment and marvel at all the information, misinformation, BuzzFeed quizzes and porn our stubby little fingers now have instant access to. Before the ‘net, if you wanted to know who Hannibal Hamlin, Chien-Shiung Wu, or Mario Mendoza was, you either had to look it up in a book or ask an old person. Thank Zod those days are over.

2. The Beatles – What if Taylor Swift was around during the 60s? And was four people? And patriarchal? I know I’m courting controversy here, but this group, and not Nickelback, is the greatest musical quartet of all time. Their oeuvre is a consummate mix of pop, rock, folk, psychedelic, and blues. That’s what you get when you mix two musical geniuses with a semi-genius and a fine drummer.

1. Education – This might be the white privilege talking, but I am so thankful for my somewhat basic education. It may not have been perfect, to wit: I did grow up in the South and had some teachers try and convince me that the Civil War was really about states’ rights (sure, as in a state’s right to keep black people classified as property). Despite their specious self-deception, I’m fairly enlighten. I can tell the difference between news, fake news, and faux news. Here’s a tip, if a story tries to get you to hate an entire group of people, pedophiles aside, it’s yellow journalism or clickbait to you centenarians.