Top 12 greatest Christmas movies

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

It’s officially December, that magical time of the year when those Scrooges who’d been whining about how it’s too soon for anything Christmas related have switched their bitching to, “I can’t believe it’s already Christmas.” Well, no one in their right mind can complain about a list of the best Christmas movies in December, right? RIGHT? I know I’m tempting the internet to clapback, “hold my nog.” Wait a tick, ‘Hold My Nog’ could either be the greatest modern holiday song or best Christmas porno flick ever. Anyway, here’s a list to celebrate the most wonderful flicks of the season.

12. Home Alone – Let’s start off with a movie that’s painfully funny. Think extreme violence that even Tarantino, Scorsese, and Tom and Jerry would have said goes too far. But it’s okay because they’re dimwitted burglars. I will say, as one grows gray, I now tend to identify more with those hapless wet bandits and wish for a sequel where they finally can exact their own biblical styled vengeance on that smirky Kevin.

I am just sad I don’t get to say, “Keep the change ya filthy animal” nearly as much as I used to. Thanks a lot Bitcoin.

11. Scrooged – Bill Murray is a morally bankrupt TV exec, who just so happens to act suspiciously like Bill Murray, in a modern (at least at the time) update of Dickens’ immortal classic, Scrooge. Wait, could they not get the rights to call it A Christmas Carol or something? Therein lies the mystery of this film. What’s not a mystery is how funny and even heartwarming this semi-meta movie turned out to be.

Whenever someone asks me a question I don’t understand, I just mumble unintelligibly and end it with, “I swear, by thee I forswear.”

10. Office Christmas Party – You want a riotously funny holiday movie? Then check out this joke a minute Christmas extravaganza. Top tier talent in every role makes this an office Christmas party worth attending. But like every epic party, you gotta know the right time to GTFO. Because things can go off the rails in a blink and you don’t wanna be the one left passed out naked on the ham in a pool of someone else’s urine. Just trust me on that one.

Just once, I would like to be invited to a party more like this instead of ones thrown by my aunt at her local bingo hall. “I -1″… no, more like I lose.

9. Why Him – Christmas and comedy go together like ginger and bread. Or Ginger and Mary Ann, if you’re into Gilligan’s Island pornographic fanfiction. But I digress, this movie is a comedic tour-de-force that can even overcome the ickiness of the bad Franco brother. And that’s saying a lot.

I mean, who doesn’t wanna deliver a flying Mortal Kombat style kick to Jimmy Franco’s nether regions?

8. Christmas Vacation – I guess the studio watched European Vacation and said, “Something’s missing.” Maybe it’s John Hughes and Cousin Eddie… we’d better fix that for the next one. And fix that they did. No movie better encapsulates the pain and joy, the laughter and the tears, and the annoying BS and the self-medicating drinking of hosting your family for Christmas.

Wait, I just noticed where her hand is. Was this directed by James Franco?

7. Fred Claus – Vince Vaughn is a fast-talking shyster, who just so happens to act suspiciously like Vince Vaughn, in a post-modern Xmas fairy tale. The idea of Santa Claus having a slacker brother is clever and really works in this delightful celebration of redemption. Listen, this movie has as much Oscar talent in it as The Godfather and is a whole lot funnier.

I’d vote for Paul Giamatti for Santa Claus over Tim Allen any day.

6. Four Christmases – A crimbo comedy that just gets funnier and truer each year. The Vaughn/Favreau/Billingsley connection really shines in this cautionary tale about how mentally exhausting and physically dangerous spending ‘forced family time’ can be. The ending is your basic Hollywood holiday copout, but the comedy gold lies in the over the top, yet relatable, strained familial relationships.

Honestly, this is how all board game disputes should be settled.

5. Krampus – Yes comedy pairs divinely with Christmas like ugly and sweater, but surprisingly, so does horror. It’s more like a peppermint and schnapps union, but it’s legit. This movie brings both to the feasting table. The appetizer is a hilarious indictment of the modern Christmas season, and the main course is a macabre masterpiece of yuletide terror.

I don’t believe in Santa, but I’m afraid of him.”
“Well, I believe in Santa, and the only thing that scares me is Krampus.

4. The Family Stone – How this isn’t a more revered Christmas classic I will never understand. It has everything a holiday movie needs – a heartfelt yet poignant story, amazing cast of actors, humor, and festive atmosphere. Out of all the Christmas movie families, this is the one I would gleefully join and spend the holidays with.

Spoiler alert: Sly is NOT in this movie. Not even in a post credits scene. Missed opportunity.

3. It’s a Wonderful Life – Classics are classics for a reason… well, mostly. But this one definitely fits the bill. Saccharine-sweet, yet deceptively dark, this chronicle of one man’s seemingly ordinary life is a life worth watching every season. Surprisingly not as problematic as some more recent Xmas movies… looking at you Love Actually. The message I choose to take from the borderline preachy film is that it’s not so much your grand deeds, or lack of, that define you, but the everyday little ones.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. Wait, how many angels are there?

2. Die Hard – Bugger off with that, “this isn’t a Christmas movie” rubbish, this is the quintessential American Christmas story. What is more American Christmas than cunning, ruthless, and beguiling corporate raiders with a mini militia’s cache of guns and explosives in a violent, action filled story about how family matters? This all-time great flick introduced the world to Alan Rickman, Christmas Time In Hollis, and bizarro Huey Lewis as a terrorist.

Hey, a million memes can’t be wrong.
  1. Elf – Here it is boys and girls, the greatest Christmas movie of all time. A pitch perfect blend of humor, sentimentality, and Christmas cheer. I guess the caveat here is you need to like Will Ferrell to appreciate his sublime brilliance as the wide-eyed, guileless Buddy the Elf. I don’t get the feral hate for Will, people act like he kicked their dog, then slept with their spouse, and afterwards, borrowed a hundred bucks without paying it back. But hey, he’s ludicrously rich, talented, and famous and they’re full of hate, malice, and pork rinds, so maybe explains everything.
“Hey, it’s Ralphie.” Yeah, I shout that during this scene every single year. It’s an Xmas tradition.

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