Top 12 things that are harder to do as an adult

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

Don’t worry, this isn’t another one of those gray-bearded rants about how growing old is about as much fun as a colonoscopy. Sure, cantankerous whining and the internet go together like conspiracy theories and logical fallacies, but I’m going to keep it light and avoid depressing you, me, and our nascent AI Cyber-God. Even though you’re technically an adult at the unripened age of 18, I like to think it’s around 21 (or 51 in some cases). 18-20 is more like the preadult stage. Keep in mind, there are so many things that are infinitely better as an adult, to wit: not caring so much about what others think, having money for fun experiences, better food, and more expensive toys, and the wisdom to know that you don’t know everything. But there are a couple of things that are a wee bit harder, and here’s 12 of them.

12. Remembering when – Science tells us that the older you get, the harder it is to remember things. At least, accurately. But that annoying fact never stops myopic curmudgeons from droning on about how great things used to be. This misremembering leads to misinformation which is partly why our history textbooks are often fraught with lapses. But I have the courage to admit that I can no longer name that tune in three notes. Hell, sometimes I can’t even name it until the chorus.

Wait, what was I saying?

11. Keeping up with pop culture – I used to pride myself on knowing the new, hot musicians, but that all ended around the time of Bruno Mars. Is he still popular? Now, I’m perpetually stuck in an acoustic cocoon of Dave Matthews Band, Prince, Sarah Mclaughlin, and Public Enemy. Also, is it me and my senility or are there a bazillion TV shows? And I can recognize maybe half of the celebrities doing commercials now, thank Hey Zeus for Jeff Goldblum and Kevin Hart.

Back in my day, we only had like 25 celebrities. This was before social media, internet, and cable TV.

10. Bar hopping and crawling – Unfortunately, it’s time to morn those long nights of boozerooing and then being able to moderately function the next day. I have to live by the phrase one and done. One bottle that is. Boot and rally has become boot and finale. So, pour one out for those bingees of yesteryear.

Spirits may get better with age, but my spirit sure as hell didn’t.

9. Recuperating – I used to be able to work a double with a torn ACL, a hangover, and a fresh zombie bite. Now, a common cold knocks me out for three days. And I only remember sleeping a total of three nights during my senior year of college. Today, if I don’t get 8 hours, that old zombie bite starts acting up.

This is me one minute after any sneeze.

8. Eating like nobody’s watching… your weight – I mean, who doesn’t fondly miss those just say no to salad days when you could eat cereal for any meal? Now, I can’t even have three bowls of Cap’n Crunch with Crunch Berries for breakfast. I have to put on my reading glasses to inspect the nutrition facts label before getting my munchie on. All this to prevent myself from expanding faster than the universe.

Why is high fructose corn syrup almost always the first or second ingredient listed?

7. Staying awake – I can’t remember the last time I saw the other side of midnight. Once you have a steady 8-5 job, a good night’s sleep becomes a precious treasure, like the one ring or that last box of Girl Scout cookies. Doing anything that might throw off your cherished sleep schedule is playing with fire. A fire you might sleep right through if you go over that bedtime deadline.

The flip side of this delightfully ironic coin is it’s also a lot harder staying asleep.

6. Quitting your post – Once you attain a certain level of seniority in your job, you tend to be resigned to never resigning. The prospect of throwing away the best years of your career along with that warm blanket of familiarity and comfort generally outweighs whatever a shiny, new position can offer. When you’re just starting out, entry level positions can be a dime a dozen, so quitting one is like losing a pair of cheap sunglasses… a minor inconvenience. But mid to upper-level positions, people cling to those like they’re winning scratch off tickets.

I’m too young to fantasize about retirement. But I dream about it now way more than I ever dreamt about Cindy Crawford.

5. Dating – Courting was so innocent and simple during the teenage years… at least that’s what I’ve been told. You just needed a new pair of Levi’s, a ride, and enough money for a fast-food meal and movie. There were only three primary topics of conversation: school, music, and TV shows. And the only baggage anyone had was an unfortunate bumping of teeth during a make out session.

Remember when holding hands was second base? Well, it was for me.

4. Getting physical – Here’s the fun little aging gospel truth everyone knows yet no one, outside of the plethora of ED commercials, wants to talk about. It’s harder to get… in the mood. Part of it stems from a lack of free time. Remember when having sex was the endgame of every day? Well, banal things like a full night’s rest or the season finale of Yellowstone starts interfering with a once limitless libido. On top of that, we now get exhausted just driving home from work. So, trying to get that motor running, which was once a perpetual motion machine, is now more like starting a Ford Escort on a frigid night.

And now erectile dysfunction is in my recent search history. Can’t wait to see those pop-up ads.

3. Learning new tricks – Whether it’s technology, new tax codes, or how to play one of those newfangled video games like Elden Ring, learning anything new as an adult can sometimes be an epic struggle. It’s not that we’re stupid, at least not all of us, it’s just that are minds are full. My brain synapses are clogged with old phone numbers, Duran Duran lyrics, and the Dewey Decimal System, so there’s little room for how to use cryptocurrency.

Here’s an image of me trying to figure out how to access Wi-Fi.

2. Working on your fitness – Getting in shape used to be so much easier. You just strolled into a gym and did a quick sweating to the oldies and presto; you could run a marathon, climb Mount Everest, or walk around Disney World on a scorching day without needing a break every 15 minutes. Now, you must stretch and warm up for at least a half an hour before even thinking about doing an exercise that might draw a bead of sweat. And your form better be perfect, or you’ll tweak, strain, or tear those abs of aluminum.

“I just have one more set, Sonny.”
  1. Making friends – I do miss the days when you could walk up to someone, profess your love for Star Wars, cars, football, or competitive scrapbooking and have an instant BFF. What was adorable in your formative years can be alarming in adulthood. It’s just so much harder to speak adult; there’s the pressure to be witty and interesting, nuances like inflection, and you face a much more scrutinous and suspicious eye.
There should be an adult friend finder app. I mean, I probably couldn’t figure out how to use it, but whatever.

1 Comment

Char · January 20, 2023 at 6:14 pm

This list is all too real. I’m experiencing sorrow for my lost memories, late nights, and the ability to bounce back.

“All this to prevent myself from expanding faster than the universe.” – Curse all the deliciousness that sits on the hips.

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