Top 12 signs you’re old

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

Age ain’t nothing but a number. A number that tells everyone whether you can pull off skinny jeans or not. It really doesn’t matter if you age like Dick Clark (caveat: outdated reference) or Keith Richards (who may very well be Lazarus), being “old” is a mental state. Just ask William Shatner. So, no matter your years, here’s a definitive list of actions that scientifically prove that you’re old. Your mileage may vary.

12. You drive like you’re watching CBS – When exactly does that pilot light flip from taxi driver to Sunday driver? Science still can’t agree on that one. But when you start taking the speed limit literally instead more of a suggestion, you become a human roadblock. Suddenly, you’re on a highway to the geriatric hotel.

I got nowhere to go and all day to get there.

11. You stop listening to contemporary music – Everyone hits a point when current music passes them by, and they enter an echo chamber of records, tapes, CDs, or MP3s spinning ‘their tunes’. It might be age 25, 40, or hell, even 82 (R.I.P. Casey Kasem), but eventually you stop turning on, tuning in and you simply drop out.

It’s like the Boss is singing directly into my hearing aid.

10. You complain a lot more – Get of my lawn… it’s not just a trope or meme, it becomes a way of life. This is the number one disconnect between the young and the relishless. Times, they are a changin’ and it gets to a point when regardless of that change, you meet it with endless condemnation. When the music becomes too loud, the kids too unruly, and marginalized groups too uppity, you might be a greybeard.

And another thing, why do people keep hanging up on me?

9. Lunch time is brunch time – You know you’re old when everyone else is ordering eggs Benedict, French toast, and Belgian waffles while you’re getting a Reuben on rye with creamy vegetable soup. You also shun the hottest lunch spot in favor of the closest cafeteria. I guess when you get up before the sun, you need to eat before your grandson.

The early bird gets the wheat germ.

8. You check the weather every day – When I was a wee lad, I loved being surprised by the weather. What’s the temperature going to be tomorrow? Who cares, I’m still going out in shorts and a tank top. Is it going to rain? Water never hurt no one… except maybe for every land organism not a part of Noah’s family or zoo. Now, I watch the weather channel/app/email updates like it is appointment television.

If it’s not 70 degrees and sunny, I’m staying home!

7. A brisk walk becomes a workout – If you ain’t sweating, you ain’t exercising. To hell with that noise. Try strolling a mile in my Crocs… with gout. You’ll be singing, “slow down bitch, go another way, go another way.” It no longer matters how long it takes or how much you perspire, it’s all about the journey now, son.

Mall walkers to the left, to the left.

6. Sleep is more important than sex – Did I tell you about that time in college where I didn’t sleep for an entire semester… oh, I did? Well, somewhere along the way, ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’ became, ‘I’m dead if I don’t get enough sleep.’ And roughly the same time as your need for sleep rises, your sex drive crashes like the stock market in 1929. You now have a 10-minute window from when your head hits the pillow before desires for copulation quickly detours into a yearning for hibernation.

Was the snoring good for you?

5. Staying in is vastly more appealing than going out – Remember when the weekend automatically meant time to mingle out with your dingle out? Didn’t matter who, what, where, or when, you knew come Friday night, you’d be anywhere but home. Whelp, that was then and it’s now all about where your heart and hat would rather be. The siren call of the couch grows with each passing year until one’s ass can no longer resist.

The lights are on and homebody’s home.

4. You favor comfy clothes over fashionable – If you go anywhere other than the gym in gym clothes, well, I have bad news for you. I totally get the apparel appeal, there’s something liberating about wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Tommy Bahama shorts, and a pair of Crocs to any event. If only Fruit of the Loom and Hanes made business formal clothes, am I right? But alas, there’s no such thing as sweatslacks or dress gym shirts.

The only suit I need is a tracksuit.

3. Nostalgia becomes reality – Nostalgia is the memory of a feeling, not an accurate accounting of the past. But that never stops someone from donning myopic retrospectacles when it comes to the present. If you think it was better back in the day, ask yourself, “better for whom?” If you’re thinking straight, white, healthy males without a conscience… eh, maybe so. For everyone else, we’ll take now over then.

Miss the good ole days? There’s always Historic Williamsburg, Virginia. What, too far?

2. Technology scares the bejesus out of you – I get it, progress can be frightening. Especially without our trusty phonebook sized instruction manuals. You want instructions now; you have to go online… even if you’re seeking directions for how to get online. That’s the catch 22 of technology, when we get stuck in our ways, it leaves us on the side of the road like an abandoned Yugo.

But first, let me figure out how to take a senior selfie.

1. You attack the current generation – Do you often start a sentence with “Kids today…”? Do you think morals, behavior, and good manners have gone downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn on skis with NOS? Well guess what, you’re not alone. Every curmudgeon has expressed the exact same sentiment… all through history. I guess it’s a rite of passage; every generation must overcome the fallacious anamnesis of the prior. I think the Neanderthal Grok was the first, when talking about those progressive homo sapiens.

I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well to tell you the truth I forgot to take my fish oil supplements, so I kinda lost track myself.


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