Top 12 first world problems

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

I don’t exactly know the genesis of the phrase, “that’s a first world problem” but I’m guessing some schmuck was idly dismissing some other’s schmuck’s whining about their insignificant troubles. It’s a cute way of saying there are millions of Third World people starving (or Fourth World people being tortured by Darkseid’s minions on Apokolips), so quityourbitchin’ about being shorted a Chicken McNugget®. Nowadays, it’s such a cliché that whenever it’s used, we all lose (except for Darkseid). So, why not make it in vogue again with my very own top 12 first world problems.

12. My car seat warmer is broken – Even I must admit that cranking up the seat warmers on a frigid day is the gluteus maximum. But since I didn’t grow up with this luxury, I must ask, “is it really that necessary?” Instead of bootyblazing, couldn’t we just, I dunno, wear more weather appropriate clothing?

My friends in Minnesota know that in the winter, less is not more. So, maybe wear pants.

11. There are too many streaming services – There used to be only three major channels. Then satellite and cable opened us and the Boss to 57 channels and nothin’ on. Today, everyone has a streaming service, even the Anti-feminist Womanizing Gaslighting Network (AFWGN). But don’t let this choice overload spoil your day off, just do what most people do, subscribe to one and leech the other 56 off friends and family. At least until the password sharing police come and confiscate all of our TVs and devices (thanks Obama).

I need more streaming services so I have more shows to complain about.

10. It rained during my staycation – Do you know how many farmers would give their left legume for a little rain? Although it may feel like it, this isn’t nature’s way of pissing on your life. Rain is the lifeblood of the Earth, so embrace it and buy an umbrella -ella, -ella, eh, eh, eh.

Have you ever seen the hard purple rain on me and my parade in November?

9. My iCloud is full – What exactly is this fantasyland where all our photos, documents, and cat videos reside? And why does this figment have some arbitrary size limit? Digital clouds just magically rolled in about a decade ago and we never even thought to ask questions like: what is it, where is it, why is it, and most importantly, who is behind it. I suspect Ray-Ray MciCloud, Lumpy Space Princess, or Lando Calrissian.

Maybe the iCloud is like the attic of the smartphone.

8. I have to pay taxes – For some reason, many folks are completely ok with uber Richie Riches skipping out on paying taxes. I guess they are jealous and feel like these one percenters and corporations are modern day Robin Hoods who steal from the govt and, well, give to themselves. No one wants to admit that taxes pay for our military heroes, first responding heroes, and teaching heroes along with roads, farms, FDA, and medical research. I honestly don’t know if folks in Third World countries actually pay taxes, but I do know their basic infrastructure is lightyears behind ours. So, you do the fuzzy math.

All that being said, lower my taxes, please and thank you.

7. Woke snowflakes are ruining my fun – Anti-wokers, aka racist douche muppets, are constantly crying about how they are no longer free to enjoy truly tasteless jokes, offensive stereotypes, or Sniglets. They whine all day and night about censorship without understanding that what they are really upset about is capitalism. If you have a bigoted, intolerant billion-dollar idea, all you need is the gumption to make it happen. But therein lies the rub, you’re most likely too lazy and lack the critical thinking skills to realize your discriminatory dream. To wit: you have a movie camera in your back pocket, so if you wanna remake Song of the South and share it with your klan, ain’t no one gonna stop you.

What is the opposite of the terrifying “woke snowflake?” A dozy drip? A dopey drizzler? A snoozy sprinkle? A misappropriating Fight Club fanatic?

6. I’m not allowed to day drink at work – Everyone has one of those workdays that drive them to imbibe an adult beverage or two at the end. Winos even bitch and moan about having to wait until the close of business and long for the halcyon Madmen days of steak and scotch lunches. Consider how hard and expensive it is to be an alcoholic in other parts of the world and maybe exercise a little self-control. Let’s focus on the positive; you have easy access to three-buck chuck.

I’ll have a Bloody Mary, steak sandwich, and a Bloody Mary.

5. Nobody liked/commented on my post – I get it, we all need a little love and validation. But can you fill that abyss in your soul with virtual adoration? I bet even Dr. Siggy couldn’t handle that cyber-distressing conundrum. Hey, at least you have a social (media) life. Think about all the techno deprived who must rely on IRL friends and family to boost their fragile, self-absorbed egos.

That being said, please like and comment on this post!

4. I hated the last season of ______ – Even if I agree with this common complaint, think about the millions of folks across the globe who don’t even have access to the first couple great seasons of whatever show that disappointed you and basically ruined your adulthood. Maybe it’s human nature to forget all the good episodes and focus on the ending that stuck the landing like Goofy at the Laff-A-Lympics.

This my friends is why the internet created fanfiction.

3. My cat/dog ate all my artisanal cheese – If I had a Bitcoin for every time I heard this one, right? Instead of getting cheesed off at poor Cheddar or Asiago, maybe you need to better safeguard your pretentious cultured milk. The real tragedy here is that we spend more money on pets than we do on research for mechanical AI four legged friends, which will never die, can like all our social media posts, and have no need to pilfer our charcuterie.

Maybe little Pepper Jack or Feta was really only looking out for your health.

2. Due to supply chain issues, I can’t play craft beer pong – I’ll be honest; I have no idea what craft beer is, what makes it so crafty, or why my father left us. Maybe it’s why so many houses now come with a “craft room”, so you can make your own PBR. I am sorry for your loss, Bennett, but necessity is the mother of invention. Maybe it’s time to use that pickled noggin to invent a new potent potable pastime.

Explain to me again why we’re tainting our precious suds with dirty plastic balls?
  1. My medication is giving me diarrhea – a) Consider yourself lucky to have access to a myriad of medications, and b) you’re also lucky to have access to a shit ton of indoor lavatories. The real question we need to ask is why is diarrhea always the first side effect of every medication, even Imodium A-D? Is big pharm in bed with big bathroom tissue? Something about this brand-new conspiracy theory stinks.
I’m not saying they’re unnecessarily adding prunes to our meds… but I ain’t saying they’re not.

2 Comments

https://www.israelxclub.co.il/girls-cat/דירות-דיסקרטיות-בפתח-תקווה/ · May 20, 2023 at 8:53 am

The very next time I read a blog, Hopefully it does not fail me as much as this particular one. After all, I know it was my choice to read through, but I actually believed you would probably have something useful to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you were not too busy searching for attention.

    siroutlier_tt2i6p · May 20, 2023 at 6:09 pm

    Okay Mom, I told you I was sorry I missed Mother’s Day. Can we please move on?

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