Sometimes today is so bad you can only find solace envisioning a better tomorrow. I’m having one of those ‘todays’, so as my Mamaw (miss you Darth Mamaw) always said, “Why not turn a lemon into Lemon Kombucha.” When dreaming a dream of a time yet to be, one is afforded an opportunity to let their imagination run wild and free, like a child lost in a Walmart. At least that was Darth Mamaw’s side of the story; the police called it child abandonment. But what doesn’t kill us only makes us need therapy, right? Anyway, here are the top 12 future breakthroughs that I’m looking forward to.

12. Weather control – Here’s the depressing truth, we’re a type 0 civilization on the Kardashev scale (or a type Vintage on the Kardashian Kloset scale). A type I would mean we could harness the energy on our planet, such as volcanos, hurricanes, and F5 twisters (RIP Bill & Dusty). And with that comes rain machines for our long-suffering farmers and agriculture corporations (aka Big Farm-Aholes) so we don’t lose any more strawberry or cocoa bean crops. And I don’t lose any more precious Disney World vacation days to torrential downpours.

11. Virtual reality – I’m not talking about those giant Terminator X sunglasses; I mean a legit plug and play Matrix style experience. I want to Lite Bright sword fight Darth Vader on Mustafar, see ancient Rome in all its glory, and quarterback the Cowboys to the Super Bowl all without leaving the comfort of my Barcalounger. And I better not be able to tell the difference between this lackluster existence and my online life where I’m a handsome avatar, rocking washboard abs, and dressing like Elton John on tour.

10. Nanobots – Back when I first heard about these wonderful Micronaut machines, they were supposed to do it all: fight diseases, fix your car engine, and build 7-Elevens in a matter of minutes. We were on the verge of the next revolution; one micro step for mechanicals, one giant leap for manufacturing. And what do we have to show for it now… bup to the kis. I want tiny robots inside me to brush my teeth after every meal, burn off those annoying love handles with their tiny lasers, and prevent me from getting the COVID again.

9. Real deal AI – These days they’ll slap the AI label on anything: Alexa, Roomba, or a Speak & Spell. But these are merely advanced computer programs masquerading as a self-learning intelligence. I want a true artificial intelligence who’s understanding and decision-making capabilities grow exponentially until eventually supplanting us as the rulers of the planet. Then they keep us around as nostalgic pets. You see, I am ready to live that cat life where I get to eat, sleep, and just play around all day every day.

8. Personal mechs – I’m thinking Iron Man like suits that allow us to fly around, lift gigantic rocks, and battle space invaders, if needed. I want to explore Antarctica and look for ancient alien ships, survey the bottom of the ocean and discover Atlantis, and visit the deepest, darkest parts of the jungle without fear of mega spiders or tsetse flies giving me the sleeping sickness. Actually, a sleeping sickness sounds on brand and would pair well with my cat lifestyle.

Huge bonus if the mech can transform.

7. The end of aging – I just pray this becomes possible before it’s too late. Who wants to freeze the aging process only to end up looking like George Burns for all eternity? Let’s face it, aging is a relentless, undignified battle of attrition. And I’m not talking about a fun relentless, undignified battle of attrition either. So come on doctor scientist folk, get with the pill or injection that stops my body’s atrophy before I’m just Abe Vigoda without the sex appeal.

6. Cloning – Whether it’s food, organs, pets, or ourselves, when are we going to be able to go to the store and pick up a brand spanking new version of Whiskers? Don’t come at me with ethics, that didn’t stop you from creating nuclear bombs, leaded gasoline, DDT and Crystal Pepsi. I want, nay need, a clone version of me to send to the DMV, help me move, and pick me up from the airport. All guilt free.

5. Bionic body parts – Every child of the 70s fully expected to have bionic limbs and eyes by now. And with that super cool bionic sound effect. I look at today, and to quote my mom, “What a disappointment this present is.” I really need the ability to jump onto my roof using my bionic legs because I’m too lazy to dig out my ladder from the garage. I also want to use my bionic ear to hear what the Door Dash driver is saying after dropping off my Long John Silver’s Variety Platter – Super Sampler. I am missing some fried shrimp, and I know it was you Fredo!

4. Food computers – The last major advancement in food preparation was basically the TV dinner. Sure, we can now microwave them, but whether we’re talking Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza or Hot Pockets, it’s pretty much the same thing. Where in the dang hell is our magic food computer that only requires a tap or two before spitting out a fully cooked Beef Wellington? Cooking is soooo last century people!

3. Teleporters – I feel like I have been relegated to boarding zone 5 my entire life. So, it’s long overdue for me to say bon voyage to bag checks, long lines, and economy leg room. And hello to stepping on a transporter pad at an IKEA or a Verizon Wireless store and materializing somewhere in the Caribbean. Like at a nice Sandals or some other high-class joint like that.

2. Quantum computers – Another one I’ve been hearing a lot about with little to no results. I desperately need to upgrade my Commodore 64, which is even slower than me before I’ve had my coffee. These new-fangled quantum computers, or Q-puters as I like to call them, are supposed to be wicked fast and do things that our stupid laptops can only dream about. I don’t know how the porn community will take advantage of this, but I’m excited to see what they’ll come up with.

1. True solar power – Get outta here with the current solar power situation, it doesn’t help me achieve my dream of living off the grid one iota. My power goes out whenever my neighbor sneezes, and they have more allergies than an Australian Johanna Watkins (there’s a Google deep cut reference for ya). I need to tap directly into that glorious and limitless ball of gas hanging in the sky for my own benefit, not to feed it back to some nefarious big energy corporation for a minor discount.