You’re probably thinking, “Damn, he’s just phoning this one in.” Okay, maybe I’m getting a little lazy, but not as bad as my Uncle Phil who quit his job and is seeking disability due to an ingrown toenail. Tell me you don’t have your favorite months of the year along with ones you’d love to simply fast forward through. It’s true that I’ve had an exhausting work week and have about as much energy as a sloth with mono. So, buckle up for a mild ride through the best and ipso facto, the worst months of the Julian year.

12. January – Might as well start at the beginning. The longest month of the year deservedly lands dead last mostly because of that post-holiday depression. We all have to zombie back to work on the 2nd, pretending to be reenergized by the time off, but really it only served to reinforce how much we dread and hate our job. And we get to do this lugubrious adulting right in the middle of the bleakest of winter weather. All those holiday songs about how jovial the cold and snow are in December suddenly take a hard left into dreary and dismal come January.

If January was a movie character, it would be played by Tommy Lee Jones.

11. February – This impossible to pronounce month deservedly comes in next to last primarily because we’re still in the throes of the S.A.D. season. It might be the shortest, but leap year or no, it feels like it goes on in perpetuity. There’s even a vicious holiday smack in the middle that serves to remind many of us how worthless and unloved we truly are. I like to believe the term, “Wake me when it’s over” was coined because of Frerbrurary.

If Furbuary was a movie character, it would be played by Kirsten Stewart.

10. April – Surprise! Bet you expected March here, didn’t ya? No, this isn’t a prank, April’s here because it allows winter weather to linger long past it’s due date, kinda like my Mom allowing her ex-bfs to live with us even after their relationship ended. We have to awkwardly tiptoe through the April tulips, never knowing what to expect—will it be sunny and warm or will we get a sleetnado with a side of pollen blankets.

How about Zsa Zsa Gabor as April? At least I think that’s Zsa Zsa, but we can never truly be sure.

9. March – What’s that new expression, in like a lamb out like lambchops? March used to be this feared month where old man winter constantly howled, “Get off my porch” with frozen gale storms of fury. But thanks to climate change, it’s now merely a dogmatic geriatric dropping borderline offensive posts on NextDoor. We do have March madness which is the only madness that I can get behind.

March could do a lot worse than Morgan Freeman. Like maybe Martin Freeman.

8. August – The second longest month of the year, by feels of course. Those dog days of summer usually start yapping around this time as everyone and their air conditioning are nearly fried. We can only take so much heat and humidity before we yearn for those polarizing days of January. Plus, this is the gatekeeper standing in the way of the best time of the year, like a massive bouncer blocking the tiny entrance to the hottest club in the city.

August has to be Nick Nolte, right?

7. November – If you aren’t a groovy foodie, this month is kinda like being in limbo. It’s neither good nor bad, it’s simply a line to get to the next big event month. There’s a reason no one bitches about seeing Thanksgiving decorations on sale in September. Mainly because there are no Thanksgiving decorations and the whole made up holiday has an uncomfortable celebration of colonialism undertone. Wishing someone a happy Thanksgiving just invokes cognitive dissonance.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to come for Turkey Day with the muskets a blazing, so to make up for it, here’s an image of the Duke.

6. May – With May, we’ve finally stumble out of that deep, dark wasteland, i.e., the drought of federal holidays. There is reason to cheer—Memorial Day is here! And it launches summer off like a firecracker. Speaking of, aren’t they illegal? Then how come it gets ignored by police more than domestic violence in Utah? May is the belly of spring where that seasonal rollercoaster finally begins its downhill journey.

May has to be… Katy Perry.

5. September – What used to be the biggest drawback of this month is now its biggest selling point. Like the appeal of going to the beach when no one’s there—it’s awful when you’re younger, but utter bliss as you grow gray. Shipping those raucous scallywags off to an institution for several peaceful hours makes this month shine like a light therapy lamp. There’s also the kickoff of cooler weather, football season, and the pumpkin patch, which are reasons enough to celebrate.

Danica McKellar is September… cause, why not?

4. July – We have come to the heart of summer and vacation season. Also, swelter weather, but as Darth MeMaw always said, “If you can’t stand the heat, GTFO of my house, ya pansy.” She was raised in a different time and didn’t believe in A/C. I suppose one’s enjoyment of July coincides with their proximity to water, and being a beach boy, I loved it almost as much as paying those inflated prices for a push pop from the ice cream man. Or person… but it was predominately men. It’s sad that even today, there seems to be a glass door for women to the world of mobile frozen sweetened cream sales and distribution.

In honor of Darth MeMaw I give you James Earl Jones as July.

3. June – This is the harbinger of summer. I’m not too old to recall looking forward to June like it was second Christmas, and I still feel that giddiness around the time schools shut down and beach tunes start up. Sure, it takes only a day or two for the annoying and endless screaming of neighborhood kids to make me wish for September, but I still hold June in high regard. It’s usually still on the pleasant side of hot, and all those summer plans are laid out at your flip-floppy feet.

You won’t cast a better June than Michelle Yeoh.

2. December – It’s the second most wonderful time of the year. There’s a holiday for almost all faiths or secular predilections—regardless of the zealots trying to reclaim something that was never truly theirs. That nascent chill in the air is an appreciated change and dressing up for the festive indoor/outdoor activities is like decorating yourself to reflect your buoyant spirit… before proceeding to imbibe ambrosial spirits. It’s an aesthetically pleasing, musically uplifting, and sensation delectation bonanza.

Don’t look so surprised, Will Ferrell. You ARE December.

1. October – Where do I even begin here? There’s the bestest holiday that celebrates everything interesting about life— spooky and fun décor, transforming yourself into a coveted alter ego, partying with other freaks and geeks, and candy everyone wants. The weather is like a pleasant hug from nature saying, “You are welcome here!” It’s a delightful cornucopia of sports that you can enjoy with a smorgasbord of autumnal foods and drinks that are second to none. I will stop here before I break out my Halloween decorations.

Top off the list with Elvira as October.