I want to contribute more to the internet than simply sharing a list of crap I like or random thoughts that ping-pong in my head. Anyone can, and usually, does that ad nauseam. Sure, it’s fine every now and then, kinda like eating a Hostess Ding Dong, but honestly, it’s more self-serving than adding value to the world. Which is the ultimate goal of this blog—to unequivocally improve everyone’s life exponentially. Like Darth MeMaw used to say, “Go big or go f*ck yourself.”

I thought why not give you, my best friends, something more substantial that will bring not only joy, but make your world a better place. Just like the enduring and endearing songs of that other, Swedish supergroup, Roxette. So, join me on a joyride through the best excuses you can use to get outta damn near any invitation, obligation, or oral presentation.

12. Getting a root canal – Nothing stops someone in their tracks faster then the mere mention of oral surgery. Like with most sciences, certain folks have an innate, you might say inbred, fear and hatred of dentistry. And the less attractive their piehole is (mostly from eating too many Hostess pies) the more effective this excuse is. Think of it as shooting garlic flavored toothpaste at a backwoods vampire.

Make sure you stick with dental work. If you tell them you’re getting your kidney, appendix, or medulla oblongata removed, they’ll want to see receipts.

11. I got the lead role in a theatrical production – For this one, the secret is not to lie too high or your BS will melt. And no one likes a cow patty melt. So, unless you are Denzel Washington, maybe stick to community theatre instead of Broadway or summer-stock. And if you are Denzel—I’m a huge fan and Fallen is way underrated. They should be so excited for your unexpected theatrical triumph that they forget all about needing a ride to the ATL airport during rush hour. This bit of “acting” will be good practice for if and when you do get an audition.

This little lie of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

10. Gotta do my jury duty – This works perfectly for almost any request except maybe an actual jury summons. If a friend asks you to help them move just think, what would an actual lawyer do in this situation? Trust me, your parents would be proud. This one’s a twofer; you get the added bonus of making up an intriguing court case that serves as a great dinner story. I fought the law and… it ended me zero and the law one.

How do you not know you’re on candid court camera? I call cow patty!

9. I’m training for a 401(k) – And it’s all for charity, of course. You can alter this one to suit your fitness level or lifestyle. Maybe it’s a 100-yard walk in high heels, a city block cosplay pub crawl, or the official Forrest Gump cross country marathon. Point is, you need to train like you were Rocky fighting Bullwinkle for the obscure cartoon heavy weight championship. Sorry I can’t be an elf lord in your LARPing clash of the titans cause I’m training for Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on ESPN.

Only in ‘Merica is overeating a sport.

8. I gotta a bad… – Fever, back, attitude, headache, or credit score. Fill in the blank with whatever’s appropriate for the situation. Then, follow up with a comment about needing to go to the pharmacy to really bring the subterfuge home. I would advise against using a serious illness like dementia or auto-brewery syndrome; it’s dirty pool and potentially offensive.

I got a good feeling about your bad case of diarrhea.

7. I’m currently on a secret mission for the Department of Agriculture – You might want to say CIA instead, but that’s a rookie mistake. If you’ve ever seen a spy movie, show, or listened to my secret agent man podcast you know that the CIA doesn’t operate on US soil. But you know who’s all about US soil? The freakin’ Department of Agriculture, that’s who. It’s one of those lies that so out there, it must be believed. Then, quickly locate some dirt, put it in a baggie, and go shhhhhhhhhh.

You can’t spell espionage without penis!

6. Every day is allergy season – Is it me or are allergies the new vinyl. They’re chic and everywhere, kinda like smartwatches. Wait a minute… you don’t think smartwatches are causing the whole allergy epidemic, do you? Time to update my MeWe page! Anyway, we can use this to our advantage. Need me to help paint your bedroom; sorry, I’m allergic to pigments. Want me to help set up your internet router; sorry, I’m allergic to Wi-Fi. Want me to be in your wedding; sorry, I’m allergic to archaic and quixotic institutions.

As Amy Winehouse once sang, “Why don’t you come on over? Allergy!”

5. I have tickets to… – Whether it’s Taylor Swift, Hamilton, or the Andrew Dice Clay comeback tour, this is an unassailable reason to have to miss whatever mundane event is happening. No one wants their Tupperware party, Bunco tournament, or Amway business “opportunity” compared to The Lion King. If they dare to ask, “How did you score a ticket?” Merely reply, “I won ‘em” then, quickly locate some dirt, put it in a baggie, and go shhhhhhhhhh.

Paradise being anything BUT whatever stupid get-together you are being coerced into.

4. I need to take (insert pet name here) to the vet – I’d avoid using people in medical crisis; not only is it trite, but if you’ve watched the news recently it’s obvious that we no longer value human lives. Now, it’s all about our fur (or shell or feather or scale) babies. “I have to take Nana to the doctors” will only incite and eye roll along with, “Just take her tomorrow.” Replace that with, “I have to take Chewie to the vet” and the person will reply, “I completely understand” with tears in their eyes.

Since 2008, 71% of all hermit crabs have been named Sheldon.

3. I’m going to be livestreaming – Apparently anyone (other than me) with a camera and internet connection can now be famous. All you have to do is something called livestream. I don’t have the bandwidth to understand it, but who am I to question someone’s online cult of personality. Or anyone else for that matter, especially the person who wants you to come watch a Fast & Furious marathon. Dressed as your favorite character, of course.

Is it influencing, performance art, or just narcissism, you decide.

2. I’m volunteering at… – Believe it or not, some people actually help others (or other animals) for free. I know, right? Me being me, I can’t help but wonder if they’re doing it to get out of work, looking for a tax deduction, networking, or manipulating some poor ingenue or mangenue into a date. Guess that’s the cynical capitalist in me. But it’s usually bad form to question someone’s benevolence and ask them to cancel because you need a fourth for your axe throwing championship.

I myself prefer voluntelling.

1. I’m testifying in front of the State Legislature – Did you know most states have their very own Congress? Also, some counties and providences. And even a few cities and towns too. Hell, my neighborhood has a bloody HOA that fines me for nude sunbathing in my inflatable wading pool in my own front lawn. You can almost understand why the loonies are so anti-government. Then, you realize they are more anti-democracy than government and back away slowly. Being called to testify in front of one of these quasi-legislative assemblies is grounds for dismissal from any inconveniences.

Is it local government or a Tom Clancy book club, you decide.