Top 12 tips for a better resume

Published by siroutlier_tt2i6p on

Resumes, like healthy lifestyle recommendations, tend to change like the wind and for reasons that make little sense. I’m not even sure if the additional skills section is still en vogue. But if it’s not now, just hold on a few weeks and it will be back just like those accursed corduroy pants. So, if you’re looking at a job req thinking you’re never gonna get it, don’t let go. I’m here to say free your mind and the interview requests will follow, cause here are 12 resume tips that will make any employer say whatta man… or woman.

12. Need a Lyft – Have you ever shuttled a friend to the airport or suffered through the sober horrors of being a designated driver? Then guess what, you’re a ride or die sharing mofo. Might as well take advantage of those who’ve taken advantage of you. So, add Uber or Lyft driver to beef up that resume before self-driving cars take over the world… hahahaha, like that’ll ever happen.

“Just ignore the chloroform smell… I was, uh, cleaning.”

11. If I were a carpenter – Who hasn’t hung a picture, put up shelves, or assembled a Hurdal from IKEA. That means you’re basically a carpenter. Just like that Lord and savior off white Jesus. And you can get bonus consideration for mentioning JFC… or murdered, you never can really tell nowadays. Either way, working with your hands is always impressive unless you’re a soccer player or a youth pastor.

“Got wood? Oh, you’ve heard that one already.”

10. Everyone’s a movie critic – Your opinion matters because you are the most important person in the world right now. That’s the mantra of the internet. Especially about silly, unimportant things like movies and TV shows. So, take advantage of this and add professional entertainment critic to your resume. Then, maybe even include one of your stellar reviews that attacks the new Little Mermaid film for not being realistic or true to the source material, i.e. down with diversity, equity, and inclusion. This is the white way.

Can you believe movie critics used to have their own shows? And not like these silly, annoying, and borderline vitriolic YouTube channel versions.

9. Everyday I’m side hustling – There really needs to be a ‘Side Hustle’ section on every resume. Whether you’re making friendship bracelets for your Etsy store or you turn pictures of peoples refrigerators into fridge magnets for your Etsy store, almost everyone has multiple jobs. I get a % of cash back from Rakuten, so I get paid for shopping which makes me a bona fide personal shopper… for myself.

The only side hustles we had when I was growing up was Avon and Amway.

8. I’m an influencer – Thanks to MeWe, even my Darth MeMaw has a social media presence and if you have at least one follower, congrats, you’re an influencer. And if you want to expand the scope of your footprint, there’s always thousands of Russian and Alabamian bots just waiting to follow (and probably hack) you. Get enough of them and you’ll look that much more attractive to most potential employers and to the GOP.

The Alt-right: We’ll steal your identity AND your freedom.

7. Daredevil stunt double – Whether it’s Six Flag’s Kingda Ka or Disney’s jungle Cruise, who hasn’t ridden a death-defying theme park ride? A million things could have gone wrong, and you could’ve easily died… or at least skinned a knee. Don’t sell yourself short, not only does it make you a real man/woman, but it also makes you a stunt person. This shows your future employer that you’re a risk taker who eats danger for breakfast, just as long as there’s plenty of safety measures in place.

I count cosplayers among this group. It takes chutzpah to dress like your favorite character who probably has a personal trainer and nutritionist.

6. Yelp reviewer extraordinaire – Ever been out to eat? As in, sat down in a restaurant and ordered a meal, then told someone about said meal. Well you, my friend, are a food critic. Doesn’t matter that you’re not getting paid for it, you do it for the love of haute cuisine. And to share with the world your eloquent opining and snarky humor.

I honestly don’t know if yelp is still a thing.

5. Teach your or someone’s children well – If you have kids, know someone that does, or take time outta your busy day to teach someone else’s neglected child not to eat fries out of the trashcan at McDonalds, then you are shaping the next generation. This is the greatest and most important job anyone could pawn off to a stranger, TV, or an iPad. Do not forget to detail how because of your exceptional and often misunderstood parenting, not only will your son or daughter be gainfully employed but also help support the psychiatry industry.

“Should I tell her that most of this stuff never comes up again? Naw, I had to suffer through it, so should she.”

4. You are a professional volunteer – Companies love volunteering… because it gets them huge tax breaks. So lean into this like an overeager teenager on a first date going in for that cherished goodnight kiss. I once yelled at some kids on a bike to stop before they ran a stop sign… or to put it another way, I read to elementary school students. I also once held the ladder for my neighbor as she fixed the siding on her house or, I helped build a home for a nonprofit organization. I helped my Darth MeMaw cross the road… to get her involuntarily committed to a questionable assisted living facility, or I committed elder abuse. You get it.

“Quick, look around right now and pick up that Snickers wrapper or hypodermic needle… boom, you just did a litter sweep.”

3. Gourmet chef – For this one, all you need is to have created a culinary masterpiece for a bake sale or even potluck. Did you win runner up at your neighborhood’s barbecue contest? Congrats to you, ya award winning chef. Home baker used to be as sneered at almost as much as home schooler, but not anymore, thanks to Pinterest and Instagram. Now, you can go dough to dough with Lorraine Pascale and Duff Goldman.

No one ever got salmonella from extra love.

2. Party (planning) people – I promise you that somewhere in your storied life history, you’ve planned some kind of event. And event is just a pretentious word for party. Maybe it was a bachelor, birthday, graduation or divorce party. Maybe it was a game night or baby shower, but unless you were actually me and grew up with zero friends and stay-at-work parents, you have a certain set of social gathering skills. And your employer will recognize this because those lame-ass “holiday” parties don’t plan themselves.

And they actually got paid to plan this. What a country!

  1. You say garage sale and I say general manager of your own retail chain store – And it doesn’t have to be on your wretchedly manicured lawn, you could have sold that Beanie Baby collection on eBay. That makes you a five-star (rated) general manager. Hell, you probably even packed up and shipped it, so you oversaw the whole end-to-end process. Didn’t know how impressive you were, did ya? Time to take all of those talents and finally make more than 5 bucks and $5.99 shipping an hour.

I think it’s time to appoint myself CEO of my garage sale.


2 Comments

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